Closing The Door

Brian was gone and all I could do was cry a flood of tears. I just sat holding his hand and crying and the nurse came in and the two Hospice nurses motioned her to leave. A few minutes later the NP of Oncology came in and rubbed my shoulders and shared her deepest sympathies. I said to her, "Brian didn't have a fighting chance, did he?" she asked me if I was talking about with the cancer and I told her yes. She said he did but he had a lot of other things going on too. I don't know exactly or 100% what that was. I know he had clogged arteries that cause a very mild stroke, and he was diabetic and since cancer he had high blood pleasure. The only thing I know is he had cancer, and his urine was dark red, but no one told us anything more than what we knew. 

The Hospice nurse took the oxygen hose off of Brian and laid him flat again and positioned his hands one over the other on his abdomen. She was very respectful. They hugged me and left me alone to make calls. They were also getting ahold of a gentleman who could help me with cremation plans etc. I called my kids; I can't remember who I called first. I do remember thinking to call Brianna first because she's the one who has been there with me through it all and I remember feeling guilty because Christina is the oldest and should be called first. It's funny how you think about little things like that in those moments. I then called my Aunt Sandy; I needed her now more than ever and wished she was there. I needed to talk with her especially before calling Brians brother Scott; they were like best friends since I've known Brian, and I needed to calm down a little before calling him. Then I called my dad because I needed my dad to be the last person I talked to. Theres nothing like a father's love, and I needed his voice to be the lasting voice in my mind.... even if it was temporary. 

More staff came in to give hugs and condolences. After a little while, I met with the gentleman about cremation services, and he was able to reach out to a place that offers free services if I qualified. He helped me with the application, and I was approved in 24hrs. After my meeting with him, hospice, and a few other staff, I was left alone to collect my things and say goodby. I was allowed to take as much time as needed. I can't explain the feeling of having to pack up everything of mine and Brians to come home but not bring him with me. I sat by his side and rubbed his arm some more and looking at his blue eyes crying and thinking what is my life going to be like now and wondering if I was going to make it without him. I had no idea how much pain I was going to feel because it hadn't fully kicked in yet. I was still trying to stay strong for him because it's what I had been doing for five weeks. I also knew I needed to be strong to walk out of the hospital to my jeep. I was dreading that walk. I couldn't stay forever but I didn't want to leave him there. It was such a strange feeling, so many mixed emotions on what to do. I didn't know what to do, I had never done this before and every trial I've been through, I had Brian by my side going through it together. Now I was all alone and had no one to plan my next steps with. I didn't know if I was going to be able to physically walk out of that room and down the hall. Would I be able to hold it together? I had no idea, but I knew it was time to go. I knew my kids were at my house and needed me and I knew Jen and Kora would be home from school soon and I wanted to be there waiting for them and tell them privately. 

I told Brian goodbye and that I loved him and kissed him on his forehead. I grabbed all my stuff and slowly walked toward the door trying to build up my courage to leave. I stopped and looked at him one more time, feeling guilty to leave him there and knowing this is my last look. I was frozen and didn't know how to take the next step and just then the Hospice nurse came in to help me.... how did she know?  She came in saying "let me help you." I believe God put it on her heart to come in right at that moment. She carried a couple of my bags for me and help carry them all the way to my jeep. Brian was on the 5th floor, and it was a little hike to the parking lot where my jeep was, so I was grateful she offered to help. I left Brians room first and she followed and closed the door. When I heard the door shut, I realized how real this was and the walk to the elevator looked far away. I wanted to run but I needed to be strong but what I felt I didn't expect. It was like everything was happening in slow motion and I felt like I was walking the walk of shame. I felt like I as an innocent person being sentenced to life in prison after a long monthly court battle. I could feel the nurses looking at me as the loser of the battle. I felt shame and I was embarrassed to have to walk that hall without Brian by my side. I had been defeated, and all were aware. 

I just wanted to get to my jeep and cry. I knew every hall I walked down or elevator I rode in would be the last. I wasn't coming back to see Brian again. 

We finally got to the jeep and put my stuff in the back. The nurse hugged me and went back inside. I was alone and looked up at his room one last time and got in my jeep and cried. I could hear Brian saying, "don't think and drive." It had gotten a little cloudy over the past couple of hours and I thought about how sunny it was in the morning and how I opened to blinds to allow the sunlight to shine on Brian, now he was gone, and the sky was getting darker. 

I drove home and it was the longest, saddest, darkest 20 minutes of my life. When I got home, all three of my kids were there waiting for me. Brianna had been at my house in that Morning to get the girls off to school. I don't know where she was when I called her, but I think she was home. She had also gone to pick up her brother and sister to bring them to my house. Brianna has done so much for us during the past five weeks. Our other two kids don't drive so Brianna has been the one picking them up and bringing them home, Brianna has been there taking care of the girls, Jen and Kora, when I couldn't be. Brianna has also been there for her little guy Logan and her husband Adam and her employer. When I got home, we all hugged each other and cried. and I shared the story of the past 24 hours. 

Jen and Kora got home from school at 3:30. I let them settle in a little and asked them to come to my bedroom. I had them both sit on the bed next to each other and I shared that papa had passed away and I hugged both of them together. We all cried together, Jen so much more than Kora. Jen loved her papa and had a closer relationship with him than Kora. Brian was a father/dad to Jen and was the only father figure the girls ever had. He loved them very much and they loved him. Jen was truly broken. 

I don't remember anything else about that day except that it snowed. I remember the snow because I love when it snows and falls softly. It makes me think of God's love gently falling on those who need it, and God knew I needed to feel his love that day. It made me think about all the times Brian, and I saw God moving in and through the past five weeks. I felt all I had left was God and I believed He was showing me that he was/is here for me and will never leave me. I ended my day with a prayer to God. I wasn't mad at Him; I understood this was not His doing. I understood God allowed it to happen and I understood that God will use it for good. I promised Brian I wouldn't give up on my faith and God. Now I needed to stand by mor word more than ever. 

My story is being shared to help others so please feel free to comment or ask questions.