I drove home crying my eyes out. Brian always told me "Don't think and drive" because he knew driving was my only solitude and it worried him. I couldn't help it; the reality that my husband was about to die hit me harder than ever. When I got home, I looked around knowing he was never going to see this place again. I got in the shower and just cried. Looking at all his shower stuff and thinking he'll never join me in the shower again just tore me up. I remember thinking how sick it is that I am home taking a shower so I can go back to the hospital to wait for Brian to die. I had a lot of disturbing thoughts like that in that hour. I was so heart broken and scared that I was sick to my stomach, but I didn't have time for this. I needed pack enough for at least three days and three nights and I needed to get back to the hospital as quickly as possible. I knew I only had up to four more days, and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Brian before he passed. When I got to the hospital, the case manager/s had bought me a blanket and about 10 boxes of lotion tissue and a giant bag of peanut M&Ms. Brian was medicated and sleeping. While I was gone, they connected a morphine drip to keep him as comfortable as possible. I sat holding his hand while he slept, and he didn't wake up much except when the nurses would come in. He was medicated more now, so he wasn't awake very long.
At one point a nurse came and asked if we wanted the priest to come in and I said, "No, our pastor is coming to visit this evening." Brian then asked, "are we Seventh Day Adventists?" and I responded, "yes, well I am, and you can be too if you want or believe. We're not Catholic." I felt like I was just stumbling on my words and again, I said something I wish I would have said in a different way. I think he surprised me when he said that. Brian had really just given his life fully to God and some of the things he said could only mean his guardian angel was there ministering to him the whole time. I said some odd things that probably made Brian think I didn't know how serious this was but looking back I realize how stressed and scared I was while Brian was in the hospital. I didn't know what to do to help him, but I wanted to help more than anything. I remember buying him a little teddy bear and he was a little frustrated and thought it was a dumb thing I did. I understood his look, it was like telling me that this isn't a get well soon situation. I felt bad about it, so I gave it to my grandson. I just wanted him to have a reminder of my love for him during the times I wasn't there.
Our pastor came up to visit around 6pm that night. He brought me a sandwich and giant cookie from Subway because he knew I hadn't been eating much. Pastor and I ate together and talked the entire time. Brian tried to be present with us as much as he could. He tried joining in the conversation, but we couldn't understand him but every once in a while, he would say something and then crack up. He was really trying to be present, and he didn't realize we couldn't understand him. But I know Brian and I know he was aware of what was going on and being said and he was more than likely trying to lighten the mood by making us laugh like he always did. At one point Brian said something and Pastor responded telling Brian he didn't need to apologize; Pastor understood Brian and told me that's what he was saying. Pastor assured him that our church family would take care of me and the girls, and he didn't need to worry about us and doesn't have to apologize for anything.
At 7:30pm there was a shift change with the nurses and Brians nurse came to say goodbye. She was the best nurse he had throughout his entire time in the hospital. She was the most caring, loving, understanding, respectful, and most empathetic nurse. She was the nurse who administered his chemo, blood, and platelet transfusions. She was also the nurse mentioned in the passing gas story. Brian woke up to say goodbye to her and she gave him a hug. She told him she was off for the next three days and Brian realized he wouldn't see her and thanked her for everything she had done for him. Then she came and gave me a big hug. I also thanked her for everything, and we said goodbye knowing we weren't going to see each other again.
Pastor and I continued talking for the next hour and a half until the nurse came in at nine to check on Brian. Pastor prayed with us and Brian tried to sit up and really be present. Pastor told him it was ok to not sit up and that God understands. We all held hands and Pastor prayed and went home shortly after. After Pastor left, Brian sat up and asked me what his name is. Brian asked the same thing the last time Pastor visited. Our Pastor has an uncommon name, so Brian struggled to remember. I told Brian "Pastor Nelson but you can call him Pastor." But just like last time, Brian wanted to know his first and last name, so I shared his name and told him it's not a very common name so calling him Pastor is ok. Brian laid back on his pillow and fell asleep. I finished my sandwich and ate some of the cookie and felt so guilty for eating. I felt horrible that I was sitting there eating when he couldn't. I felt disgusting and so guilty. I got my pajamas on and reclined in my bed chair and finished reading the Passion of The Christ that was given to Brian by my dear friend Lesa B when she visited on Feb. 12th. When I finished the book, I prayed and fell asleep.
There was no activity that night and it was probably the best night's sleep Brian has had since he first had the pain in his chest five weeks prior. I woke up around 7:15 and Brian was sleeping peacefully. I got up and got dressed knowing the nurse was going to come in soon. I folded all my blankets and put the chair in its place and sat next to Brian. The nurse never came in, and I don't think they came in all night. If they did, they were really quiet because I never heard them or saw the computer screen light the room. Then again, they had no reason to come in anymore. I could see the sun shining through the blinds and I peeked outside. It was a beautiful sunny morning. Not a cloud in the sky and I looked at Brian and thought I wonder if he would like a little sunshine on him. I opened to blinds to let the light shine in and I stood next to his bed looking at him sleeping and breathing peacefully. about 20 minutes later I noticed his breathing became difficult, so I called the nurse. She gave him a little more morphine, but it didn't help as much as she had hoped. She was waiting on the doctor to see if she should give Brian more Ativan. When the nurse left the room, I sat by Brians bed, held his hand and asked God that if this was it, to please hurry and do it quickly so he doesn't suffer anymore. A little later the Hospice nurses came to talk with me and to have me to sign papers to have Brian moved to Hospice. They could see Brian was still struggling a little, but we were all still waiting on the doctor. A hospice nurse and Brian nurse came in to check on the bed sore Brian had on his lower back. They had to roll him on his right side and when they did, Brian opened his eyes and looked confuses. He was looking around quickly trying to adjust his vision and figure out where he was and what was going on. Then he saw me and focused his eyes on mine. I remember thinking his eyes look dark and something isn't right. I felt that he would be gone sooner than they told us. He looked afraid at first until our eyes met. I think we were telling each other goodbye with our eyes and I remember trying to keep it together. The nurses then supported him up on his left side. I thought that was odd because he had been on his back the entire time, and no one seemed to care prior to this. Then the Hospice nurse ordered a patch to put behind his left ear to help with gurgling and breathing. I asked if this patch helps remove fluids from his airway, why wasn't this ordered days ago. They explained what it was for, but I still was not fully aware of what was going on at this point. I remember sitting by his bed, holding his hand and he mumbled something, and I again made comment I later regretted. I said to the nurses, "I hope he isn't trying to tell us that he has changed his mind, and we can't understand him." I know now that it was all fear at that moment.
After about an hour the doctor finally came in and she approved the Ativan. She could see Brian was struggling to breath (prior to Ativan and a little more morphine) and she asked me if our kids were coming up to visit Brian that evening. I think it became clear that Brain would not live another 24 hours. I shared Brians wishes with everyone in the room and the doctor and some of the nursing staff gave me dirty looks and started questioning me. I felt pressured and full of fear, and I felt guilty of possibly violating his last wishes. They explained to me that Brian and I probably didn't think about what feelings and resentment the kids may have toward me, and it will be me left to live with it not Brian. I cried and was just torn and began texting my kids that they needed to come and see their dad as soon as possible. My Aunt Sandy was already planning to fly in on Saturday morning. When I called her the day before and told her of our decision, she asked if she should come sooner. I told her that we were told he had about four days, so my aunt didn't change her flight. While I was texting my kids, the Hospice nurse was going over all the paperwork. I had to stop her and ask her to give me some time to finish texting my kids. She left the room, and I finished texting the kids. Brian was breathing better and still looked peaceful and I'm pretty sure I prayed again while crying.
The hospice nurse came back in the room, and we finished the paperwork. The other Hospice nurse came in and the three of us sat and talked. The nurse kept coming in and messing with the IV drip trying to get the lock put on or something. I really had no idea what she was doing, and she didn't seem to know either. I didn't care for this nurse; she was opposite the nurse I described earlier. I trusted the two Hospice nurses were aware of what was going on and would speak up if needed. We talked about our kids and grandkids and his siblings. One of the nurses asked if Brian was the baby and if he was a mistake and I said both and we all laughed a little. We talked about the loss of his sister in 2022 and the loss of his oldest brother just 2 months prior in December.
The other Hospice nurse began teaching me how to administer morphine to Brian when needed. I had no idea I would be doing this. They explained what I will need to do and to not worry because it only administers a specific amount even if I push the button longer. They assured me I could not accidently overdose him. I was scared of this entire conversation. I had no idea I would be involved in administering anything but when I learned I couldn't harm him, I felt better. As she was explaining this, the other nurse interrupted and said, "I want you to notice his breathing changed." I heard it too and I said yes it has. She said this is happening really fast because Brian was breathing normal then took a breath and there was a long pause before his next one. She recommended that I sit on the other side of the bed (the side he was facing) and hold his hand and talk to him. Brians mouth had drooped open, and his eyes were slightly open. I could see his blue eyes and thought about how blue they looked. I held his hand and rubbed his arm but didn't say anything. I didn't think he could hear him. He took about four more breaths and then stopped breathing. I remember looking at the clock, it was almost 11am. He was gone.
My story is being shared to help others so please feel free to comment or ask questions.
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