The Test Results

As I write this, I feel so much sadness and pain. I see the pictures of Brian and I hurt so deeply thinking back to these days. I can't help but cry, but I want the world to know how we saw and felt God in all our pain.  

It was Friday, January 26th and we were getting ready for Brians appointment. I remember him asking me if I filled the oxygen tank to take with us and I said yes. I can't remember what he said but I remember me telling him that I filled the smaller one that would last two hours. I said something that I'll never forget and wish I could take back. I said, "you don't want to carry that big honking thing around, do you?" I was referring to the larger tank that he was sent home with. Brian started to cry, and I had never felt so ashamed in my life. He was already so afraid of the news we were going to get in less than an hour because he had received a my-chart message that was blank. It must have been sent pre-maturely and removed immediately. 

When we got to the clinic, I could tell Brian was hurting and full of different emotions, we both were. The Dr came in and didn't beat around the bush, he told Brian he has cancer. I went into shock and Brian began to cry. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I finally broke down. The doctor scheduled other tests to be done to determine the stage, but nothing could be scheduled ASAP, everything was about three weeks out. Nothing could be done until the tests were completed to determine the stage and type of therapy needed. He prescribed Brian different medication for the pain, and we were sent on our way. 

We had to go to the pharmacy which was an hour away. The nurse accidently sent the prescription to the wrong Walgreens. I'll never forget that drive. We were both crying off and on and neither of us said much to each other; we just drove and cried. The pharmacy didn't have the prescription ready and said it would be about 30 minutes; Brian was annoyed and angry and I had him sit down while I took care of it. The pharmacist new we were crying and read my emotions and took care of it right away. Brian was almost out of oxygen when we got home. 

I don't remember anything more about that day. I know we decided not to tell Jen and Kora until we absolutely had to. I think we told our kids and other family members. I don't remember anything after that. I can't even imagine how hard it was for Brian to share the news with his brother and best friend Scott especially just after losing their oldest brother a month before. 

The following weekend was so hard. Brian was having the same breathing episodes again and this time they were worse. Monday morning after the girls went to school, we called an ambulance because Brian couldn't breathe. He was admitted to the hospital again and they drained his lungs which once again really helped. They started taking blood constantly. We later learned it was to test his blood to see what type of chemo would work best. On Jan. 31st. they scanned Brians abdomen to see if there was any other cancer. While he was away, I explained to the doctor that his insurance ends this day, but I want him to have the best care, and I will do what I can to pay. I remember driving home that night and a song I don't recall ever hearing before came on the radio, and I cried so hard. I asked God to please don't every let me need to share that song with Brian. The song was a breakup song, but the words were exactly how I would be if I lost Brian. The song was I'll never be the same by Christopher Cross. 

The next day, Brian and I were talking about our fears and our future when the NP of Oncology came in to share the results of Brians abdomen scan. She shared that they found a very small spot of cancer on Brians liver; we now knew it was stage four cancer. They needed to go in to do a biopsy to see if it was lung cancer or liver cancer. When we were alone, we cried together and began talking about and planning what I needed to do at home, who I need to call for health insurance, etc. At that moment a lady from the oncology department came in to talk with us. I don't recall what department she was really with; she was there to help us with everything financial, Brians stay and care, support groups, etc. She was everything. She came at the right moment as we were terrified of the expenses and the loss that I was feeling about who to reach out to for help. She sat with us and called Medicaid and got us both enrolled immediately. She shared resources about everything, and she talked with us about his cancer and what to expect. She was a trued God send. When we were alone again, Brian said to me "All the pain and suffering will be worth it to be in Heaven." I asked him if he had a relationship with God and he said yes, I clarified and asked if he had a relationship with Jesus and he said yes. I felt better knowing this because Brian had only recently given his life to God. For the past six months he had talked about wanting to read the Bible, but I had no idea he had already begun doing it until that moment. Brian mentioned a song to me that he loved and said he wished I understood it like he did. To me it was sad and depressing and I couldn't understand why he liked it and how he saw it; the name of the song is Something to Remind You by Stained. It was then that I told Brian about the song I heard that I prayed I would never want to share with him. I told him it would be my words if he doesn't make it, it would be my life forever without him. We cried together and just couldn't believe this was happening to us. Just a few weeks ago, he quit his job to get his health in order and now it was worse than ever. I went home and shared the news with our daughter and son. I didn't now reach out to our oldest daughter. I still did not want to talk to her because every message she left me was about how she was doing and never once did she ask about her dad. I refused to talk to her until she asked about him first. She had yet to ask how he was doing, not in any voicemail she left or any conversation she had with her siblings. It was all about herself. Brian shared the news with his brother and his cousin. 

The following morning, while sitting with Brian our oldest daughter texted him and he just hung his head and had tears in his eyes. He shared that he had texted her the night before to share the news about having stage four cancer. Her text to him that day was to tell him he had cancer due to unforgiveness in his heart. She felt that he had not forgiven her for her choices that caused us to raise her kids. I shared my anger with Brian and that God is a God of love. Brain and I both forgave her a long time ago. I was so upset with how inconsiderate she was to say such a thing to her dad while he was trying to deal with the news, he had just received the day before. I did talk to her that night, and I really shared my anger and frustration with her.

That afternoon the hospital did a CT scan on Brians brain to see if cancer had spread there. Later that evening the shared there was no cancer found on his brain. As I was saying goodbye for the night, a lady came in with a machine to scan Brians neck arteries saying he had a stroke. We had not been informed of this and thought she had the wrong room. Brian demanded to see the doctor to clarify what was going on. The doctor explained that she had received the order prior to the doctor talking with us. The CT scan showed that Brian had a very minor stroke and a very mild heart attack while at the hospital! She completed the scan, and we learned that his Carotid arteries were 72% blocked! The stroke was caused by a tiny blood clot that formed because the hospital did not allow him to get up and move around during his previous stay. Brian was put on a special diet and blood thinners. 

The next day our son. daughter. and son-in-law visited Brian. While they were there, Brian had mentioned that his breathing seemed to be worse again. I talked to Brian, and he said he was ok. He did mention that the nurses don't listen and act like they know more so they don't take him seriously. I was frustrated and called the nurse. I asked them to do another x-ray to make sure Brian does not have fluid building up again. Brian was a little upset with me because he was embarrassed but he was also grateful. The kids had a really nice visit. We didn't realize it would be their last real conversation. 

The next day, my best friend Robin came to be with the girls after school. Robin came to visit us at the hospital. She brought us lunch and visited Brian for a while. Not long after Robin left, they discharged Brian again. He was sent home, and we were told that if his breathing got worse while at home, to give an extra dose of his blood pleasure medication. We got home and Robin took to girls out for dinner. While they were gone, Brian went and took a nap in our bed. He hadn't slept in our bed in over three weeks. He slept for a little more than an hour and I dosed on the couch. I was afraid if I laid in bed with him, my movement would hurt him. That night, Robin got up around 3am to start her two-hour drive home. It was a rough night for Brian; his breathing was worse, and we had already decided to bring him back to the hospital after the girls get on the bus at 7am. I was slept on the couch and Brian slept on the reclining love seat; that's where he had slept whenever he was home. I was positioned where I could see him whenever I heard him cough because his pain was bad again. After Robin left, I stayed awake watching Brian all morning. It was really scary and again we were both helpless. All I could do was turn his oxygen up or down when he asked. By daylight, his oxygen was set at almost max, the medication we were told to give there wasn't any prescribed. I called the oncology number I was provided before leaving the hospital. We were instructed to call if there were any issues but when I called the lady couldn't help and needed to reach out to a doctor. The heart doctor who sent Brian home did not give correct instructions and forgot the give us the heart medication. When the lady from oncology called me back, she told me to call an ambulance or take Brian in. Brian did not want me to call an ambulance again. He just wanted clear instructions on what to do. He wanted me to call the ambulance to see what they think would be best. I did call, I explained everything, and I asked them to come. They told me they were coming regardless; they are required to in situations like this. After I called 911, I told Brian they were coming, and he was grateful. He showed me the oximeter and he said, we were worried about his oxygen level and his heart rate was over 140. He was really concerned yet very grateful they were coming. When the EMTs arrived, Brian could not even stand; he was so weak, and he couldn't breathe. The EMTs told him when he gets in the ambulance, they will put a CPAP on him to really push in the oxygen. I waited until they left, and I just cried and prayed. I remember kneeling by my bed and asking God to help me. I don't remember the exact day or time, but it was shortly after Brian went to hospital this day. I prayed, asking God to help me understand. Every answer to every prayer was just the opposite of what I was praying. I was quoting scripture in my prayers, and nothing was working. I didn't understand Gods promises and I was asking Him to help me understand why my prayers were not being answered. God immediately told me I was praying for the wrong thing. I asked God to explain and show me what I am supposed to pray for, and He said, "you need to pray for my will." And so, I prayed the prayer I had avoided for the past three weeks; I prayed for Gods will in our lives. 

My story is being shared to help others so please feel free to comment or ask questions.